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I'm a Bit Confused
But I Make it Work
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1st-Oct-2014 10:18 pm - I just had my world flipped.......
I was on Tumblr - imagine that, no life. And uh, I found this blog that people post one shots to about SPN characters helping the reader with normally taboo issues - self harm, suicidal thoughts, abusive relationships. I stumbled upon a post from the host of it where they reply to questions asked by readers and one just made me stop. I had to do some research and I found out something I would've been better off not knowing, in my opinion because I don't think I was ready for it.

I knew my family was dysfunctional at best, I knew that growing up, in elementary school. I just...didn't realize how bad it really was. Until tonight.

If you look up dysfunctional family on Wikipedia, under the Unhealthy Parenting Signs, most of those my mother does. No lie. Inequitable parenting, Abuse among siblings, Role reversal, "The politician" all under Dysfunctional parenting styles also describe her.

I'm partially the Good Child (the Hero) because I had to grow up taking care of my mother who pretty much threw me to the wolves and it's surprising that I did what she wanted me to but at the same time, I'm the Lost Child. It's just... I wish I had had a way better childhood. Actually, I wish I had had one.

And learning of this almost sent me into a panic attack. It had just started to hit me when my husband snapped me out of it by distracting me with a question without realizing how much I needed it.
22nd-Jul-2014 03:47 pm - Woo.... Not.
Welp, it's been over a month since my last post. I suck at this keeping updated thing, apparently. Ugh. -.-

Anyway, it's time for another dump. I even told Kait I'd be doing this one. So I really can't back out of it now.

A while back, I found out that C is a Marine - I'm actually pissed about this because a friend of mine we'll dub J got him kicked out because he had done the same exact thing to either a friend's sister of his or a friend and they apparently took his fucking ass back - and that while serving in Afghanistan, his vehicle hit an IED and there were only two survivors - him and one other guy. I can't be sure if I wish he had died or not, because I still hate him with a passion that I doubt will ever fade, but I guess I feel like he got what he deserved. I'm unsure of how I feel, to be completely honest. I will admit that even though seeing his face and/or name make me cringe and want to tear up, I looked at all the posts to his timeline on FB recently to see if he did die or make it. He's still alive. I've never been more unhappy with karma. I don't see how people can love him after he's ruined two peoples' lives. I really want to come out to his sister and tell her what he did to me, but I'm afraid that if I do that, she'll smear my name and information all over FB and it will end up getting back to my family. So, I'm probably just going to keep it all to myself, except for the posts on here about it since I don't use names that will give anything away.

After miscarrying back in April, we got a dog a week later. We rescued him off the street and even though there are times I want to kill him, I couldn't be happier with him. I'm glad he took to us and loves us as much as we love him. He's very loving and loyal although he can be retarded and ignore commands. He's a cute miniature pinscher(?) without his tail or ears cropped. The vet estimates his age as three years. He's an energetic little guy and disliked my brother for the first day my brother came in. He's never disliked anyone else at first meeting, so it was weird.

My brother leaves in a couple hours, actually, to go back to Hawaii to his base or whatever. He's in the Navy and been in for a little over a week, I think. It's been nice having him back. He's taken me out to eat for a change and we were actually able to behave like normal siblings instead of ones that hate each other. Last night, a friend came over after he got off work because I worked 11-3 and wanted to see him. We played fighting games and once my brother got home, those two faced each other and once my husband got home from having to go into work for something stupid, they all versed each other and drew me back into the "tournament". It was fun, surprisingly. Probably because the only one I lost to was my brother.

Six days after my brother came in, the day my husband and I had planned to go find my pawpaw's grave, I thought my period hit. I had cramps worse than a normal period but not as bad as when I miscarried in April, so I thought nothing of it until that night when I started passing weird clots once more. I instantly teared up and cried. Later that night, I managed to tell Joe and he listened until I was done and told me that when we're meant to have children, we will, it just isn't right now. At one point, probably early the next morning considering I didn't lay down until 5am, I was downstairs curled up in Joe's lap. He buried his face in my neck, gave it a light kiss, and as he pulled away he whisper "It was half mine too..." and then buried his attention into COD and got unusually angry, so I figure that was his way of coping at first. It's hard to recover from one miscarriage, let alone two in a row.

Recently, Joe came upstairs when I was laying down for a nap or something, I don't remember exactly, and he collapsed on top of me to hug me and smother me, quite literally, with his love. I'm unsure of how we got onto the topic of my miscarriage but he went "When we have kids, they're going to be so awesome and beautiful. Know how I know this? God has all ready taken two of them before they were to be born to keep them all to himself." I'm not really sure why, but that made me feel better. I'm just still iffy on getting intimate.
6th-Jun-2014 03:57 am - Oh Boy
So, uh, since my last post in April, a good bit of things have happened and I've just been shoving it all aside so I don't really have to deal with it.

I have emotional problems. I'm antisocial. I don't trust easily. I'm paranoid. I have hate and anger issues. I'm jaded and twisted. I bottle everything up. I don't speak my mind much anymore. I should be a hermit, it fits me pretty freaking well.

In May, my fiance and I planned it all out to go up to Indy for Indy Invasion, a concert his friends started. I did have fun but my antisocial tendencies and social anxiety had me staying by the fire and in the tent more often than not. The morning we were leaving, we ended up getting married. I do not regret it, no matter what is said to me. That night, my own mother ended up texting me while I was drunk, telling me that I had ruined her vacation and all this other shit that ended up making me cry until it wore me out and I passed out. Those nasty messages continued well into the next morning. She didn't care how hurt I was, even when I flat out told her that she had hurt me bad enough to make people that didn't know me ask my friend and husband if I was okay. I didn't drink anymore that weekend, didn't even step into the crowds after going to see the food vendors.

Every single time I drink and try to improve my mood, to try and best my depression, somehow my mother manages to ruin it. Whether she's physically there or not. Just thinking about it pisses me off to the point where I actually become speechless.

I have to go back to college in August, no matter how I feel about it. It was part of the deal with my husband and I before we got married. I really don't want to. I'm terrified to. I will have acquaintances on campus that I can walk with to classes or in that general direction, but it does not ease my fears. I feel like something will happen, no matter what. I won't always have someone to walk with me between classes or to the library to study or whatever. I'm not happy that I've come to associate college with something as terrible as rape and sexual assault. I don't want to need someone with me for me to feel safe any longer, but I absolutely cannot get past it.

Around April 18th or 25th I went through something else I hope no one I know has to go through. We hadn't gone to the doctor to be 100% sure, but I know I was pregnant, at least seven weeks or so by then. I'm pretty sure it was the 25th that I miscarried. That morning I woke up cramping really badly but I thought nothing of it because my stomach had been weird for a while by then. By the time it was close for me to leave for work with my husband, the cramping was to the point that I was bawling my eyes out and curled up; nothing would even lessen them in the slightest bit and I was bleeding. I just thought maybe my period was being a pain at first until I got to work and it all got worse and I ended up passing something akin to a clot that looked completely different from normal. It tore me up and a week after it, I ended up fighting with him in public after getting drunk because I thought he wasn't affected by it at all. I have never been more wrong in my life. Now, I'm hesitant to try to have kids because of it. I know I can't let that hold me back, but like being raped, it's left a terrible scar on my heart...
2nd-Apr-2014 08:17 pm - Yes, I am alive!
Okay, so I haven't been on here in a couple years. Obviously. No, I'm not dead. That'd be pretty cool though, I think. Being dead and being able to use a laptop. Anyway, I accidentally stumbled upon this account and decided not to delete it or all of my old posts that make me cringe and wish I hadn't been so stupid. I realized that I... How do I put this? When I reread all of my old posts, they seemed forced to me in a way. Not scripted, but like I was maybe throwing too much emotion into them in an attempt to make myself think my life didn't really suck as bad as it did. I will say that I did have anger issues, and I probably still do. I got hyper way too easily back then, it's rare that it happens now. Well, like it did, anyway.

That guy, Justin, that I mentioned pretty often in my older posts? Fucking douchebag. I had deluded myself into thinking he was nice and that he actually liked me, but he didn't. He just wanted to use me, try to get into my pants. I had gone over to the house he was living with his younger brother - a sort of friend of mine - and grandmother in because I had wanted to hang out with him like he promised. I thought it was a good thing to be invited up to his room at the time. We played some game like Truth or Dare and it ended up with me being sexually assaulted. He couldn't get me to let him into my pants, so he forced his dick down my throat. I'm pretty sure he would've tried to rape me had his brother not come thundering up the stairs when he did. It got him to back off of me completely and shove me across the hall into the bathroom. I left shortly after that, trying not to cry on my three mile or so walk home. It was only semi-recently that I walked up to the younger brother - let's call him D - D and took his hand in both of mine, going "Hey, D, you're not going to understand this, and I probably won't ever actually explain it to you, but I just wanted to thank you. You saved me one night and I couldn't keep walking around without having let you know how much it meant to me." I never explained that to him fully, and I don't plan on doing it. I don't want to ruin the relationship D has with his brother.

My Senior year, I befriended a transfer student from our rival school because he had no friends and he was in JROTC, so I figured he couldn't be that bad. Wrong! It started out cool enough. He was funny, listened to me when I had something bothering me, rode the same bus, and lived right across the alley from me. We'd walk to and from the bus stop together, so it was inevitable that he asked to come over one day after school to hang out with me. I really don't know why I was okay with it looking back on it, but I was and I pestered my mom into agreeing to it. She was at work and she definitely wasn't okay with it, but she relented to make me happy I guess. So, he came over after dropping his backpack off at his apartment and we sat around watching Animal Planet, I think, for about an hour maybe. He ended up trying to rape me and then stalked me for months after. I never told my mom about that, or about the whole Justin Incident, because I knew she wouldn't believe me. It got to the point where I was barely sleeping or eating. I was tense and had panic attacks at the drop of a pen. I triple checked all the locks on the doors and windows before anyone in the house even thought of going to bed. I did it again when I went upstairs under the pretense of going to bed and then once more once my mom and brother were asleep. I was terrified. Then one day when I was at home sick, a friend of a friend beat the guy, C, to damn near death. There was still a bloodstain on the wall in the hall at school weeks later. After C got out of the hospital, he thought it'd be cool to try to be all buddy-buddy with me again. I wasn't having any of it, neither were the few friends that knew what had happened. He ended up moving away without alerting the school about it.

After I graduated from high school in May of 2012, I worked over the summer and got drunk the night before I left town for college. It was a three hour drive up state in a cramped car to get to the college of my choosing, all while still drunk - not hungover. I hadn't slept but maybe three hours before my mom was waking me to get up and to pile the rest of my things in the car, so I hadn't slept off the alcohol at all.

Now, let me say this, my four months up there royally sucked. I wasn't happy there, I was bullied, I was overestimated and failed most of my classes because I didn't have time management down - I still don't really. My roommate stole my stuff and I had to basically live out of a friend's dorm room so my things wouldn't go missing. I had briefly gotten back together with Paul - we broke up before my Junior year in high school had started and you'd have thought I'd have learned not to try again - when I was up there and I was happy with it for maybe a month. Then at Homecoming - which I didn't want to go to, I should've fucking listened to my gut - I spied this attractive looking guy - he's not, really, I don't know why I thought he was in the first place 'cause all he did was ruin my life and I'm definitely not over-exaggerating here, you'll see - and we ended up dancing a couple times, talked some. He only actually started talking to me because my friend had turned him down. -.- You'd think I'd have all ready learned my lesson with guys from the past three assaults and the just all around crappy boyfriends I've had. Nope. I broke up with Paul to get with him and, let me just say, that was a big downgrade/mistake. I really regret it, not because I broke up with Paul, but because of what happened with R. R is, of course, the guy I thought was cute and awesome and whatever the hell else that I thought at the time. I ignored what my upperclassmen "friends" told me about him... He dated me for maybe a week before we broke up and stayed "friends". Ugh, it's a wonder I still have friends with how paranoid and jumpy I am. Anyway, I kept trying to get him to go back out with me because I swore up and down I loved him - never had I experienced true love until pretty recently, all things considered - and whatever else I could say that I thought would convince him to take me back.

For the record:
Girls, if a guy dumps you and you consider begging to get him back, don't. It's not worth it.

Before Thanksgiving break hit, R ended up raping me twice and I couldn't make myself tell anyone I knew there. Most people honestly don't know it happened and it's been 16 months. Only my fiance and like five of my friends know. I still have panic attacks if my fiance springs sex on me or if he says something, or hell, even fucking football is likely to send me into a downward spiral. The only reason I can say it like that and not panic, is because I'm trying to come to terms with it and there's no changing the past. I kinda had to considering when it happened, it pulled a muscle in my back that never healed right. It's flaring up right now as I type this, actually. I am ashamed that it happened though and it is hard for me to actually speak about it.

Despite all of the stuff I've gone through, I am happily engaged to the best guy in the world. Others might think we rushed into this, but it just feels right to me. To him. Had he not gotten the job where I work when he did, he would've moved back home to Arizona. On our three month anniversary, despite me being doped up on cold medicines, he proposed and it was the cutest ever. It was on December 22nd, so I consider it the best Christmas present I've ever gotten. We've set the time frame for our wedding for June or July of 2016. Can't get married until I have some sort of degree from college. -.- Hence why I'm going back in August.

Okay, so, uh, Kait, if you're reading this and I haven't told you any of it or parts of it, I'm so, so, so sorry that you find it out this way.

This was just a big, huge dump of what's happened to me that I needed desperately to get off my chest because I can't really talk to many about it that haven't heard it all. I should probably honestly go invest in seeing a therapist, but those cost money that I don't have and my fiance swears up and down if I talk to him about things, I won't need one. Soo.
Well...this is certainly interesting...

For those of you that care, if any do, me and Boo have been having troubles... I don't really like it.. But I kinda caused the first set of problems..and then he caused the second. Almost like we're getting even with each other... But I don't wanna think of it like that, ya know?

It's just...been a rough week for us. Not very pleasant... Go figure, ne? -sighs-

But..when is fighting ever pleasant? If you can think of a time, please, tell me.

But, like, I was having a really stressful few days and he said something that broke the camel's back. Meaning I blew up at him and broke down bawling. We stopped talking for a little bit. And he said that he didn't know if he could forgive me.

Turns out, we both almost ended our relationship that night. Sasu told me to think before I acted harshly, and he thought it over. In the end, neither of us ended it. Thankfully. He said that it would've hurt way too much to do so. And I would've been so lost...

Umm..a day or two after we started talking again, we went to the mall with Evan, Katie, and Rachel... While at Steak 'N Shake..he was acting not like himself, so, when me and him went outside 'cause we got cold. Once out there, he sat down and I sat in front of him with his arms around me 'cause I was shivering. "We need to talk" he said. "About...what?" I asked hesitantly. I mean, could you blame me? He told me about how he thought our whole fight was bullshit and about how he almost ended it...and then he was like "I'm...thinking about breaking up with you before I go to basic" I froze. That's not something you tell your girlfriend. Especially after a big fight.

We got to talking about that and he was like "If me staying at Chris's for a few days upsets you...how're you gonna react when I go off to basic?" "I didn't get upset 'cause you went... I got upset 'cause I wasn't having a good couple of days, thank you." We still haven't completely sorted that out yet.. I'm working on it...but I'm kinda scared. 'Cause I don't want that to happen, ya know?

And now, I can't hang out with him 'til Monday after school. :/ Kinda my fault. I'm stuck at my aunt's dog sitting until late Sunday night.
15th-Jul-2009 07:15 pm - O...M...G!!!
I'm really excited and nervous at the same time!

For the first time in six or seven years, I'm going to try to get ahold of my dad, who was moved from WRJ to one in Huttonsville... I hope he'll lemme go visit him... We've got /soooo/ much catching up to do!

I'ma write him tonight and send it tomorrow. I don't care what mom says! He's /my/ dad and I want to keep in touch with him! I won't see him for about 3 yrs until we go to court so I can sue to get my child support... And I don't wanna wait that long, ya know?

I'm just not sure if I should use my real address and not a friend's 'cause my mom didn't let him, his new wife, or his mom know our address 'cause she's paranoid..that's also why our number's unlisted... 'Cause what if her paranoia's rightfully justified?

-bites lip- I wish Evan was home..or maybe I'll just see if Jesus will lemme have his address for my dad to keep in touch so my mom don't know... I've got this tingly feeling in my stomach at the thought of hearing from him! -tears up-

I don't remember much about him but the facts that he'd spoil me and he loved me more than my mom. I have to look at pictures to remember his face..I just cling to the faint memories I have of my childhood to remember him...

I /need/ him in my life again. I've lost my sight on the vaule of life - /my/ life - since we moved. I was /nine/ when me moved, almost ten. Can you imagine a nine year old that wanted to kill herself 'cause she no longer had a dad and couldn't remember anything before they moved?

-sad, haunted smile- At the tender age of nine, I /wanted/ to die. I didn't see the point in living without him. You know how kids are, yeah? I wasn't and still am not the normal kid..
15th-May-2009 04:19 pm - No!!

Omg, today is - er, was - apparently Justin's last day!!!! DDDX I mean, I'll still see him at the graduation since I have to go 'cause of my brother, that and I'll see Cody, too. ...And I've got a picture of him!!! And me. But, yay!! For the picture.

After the play when me and Kayla caught up with him, he went "This is my last day, except for finals," Don't quote me on the last little bit of that, 'cause I can't be too sure since it was loud in the halls. Kayla took a picture of me and him and when I went to get one of her and him, he walked off...Wonder why...

Next year's gonna be horrible 'cause everywhere I go, I'll see memories of Justin... I see - er, used to see? - him everywhere in the school... I commented to Kayla that next year's gonna be horrible and went "We're gonna be the only two to start bawlin' everywhere we go.." Kayla went "God, I know. We'll be like sniffle "Where'd he go?!" sniffle." I laughed a bit and agreed. That's just how we are.

On a different note, I'm such a menace with a camera! XD I took my friends' pictures and some random people and some more of my friends. It was epic. When we had like three minutes left until the bell rang in 7th mod - keep in mind we were all out in the ROTC hall - and Kayla walked back out with my bag and her's. I went, "Drop 'em." She groaned, "I know what's coming," When I took off running down the hall - a good ten or fifteen feet - Ricky got in the way, grabbed me in mid jump - er, pounce? - and spun around a few times. I accidently kicked Kayla and the wall and I think the staff office door before he set me down. I almost fell over when he did though 'cause I was uberly dizzy. xDD

Before we were dismissed to go to the play, in 5th mod, my notebook attacked me. The metal spiral thing that holds it together caught my thumb and slit it open. DX It hurt like a mother. Still hurts, too. Even just having a band-aid on it hurts. DX STUPID NOTEBOOK!!!

I am such a little kid! XD

Oooh, I hope we go to Star Buck's!! I want some coffee - even though I'm not allowed to have any caffeine. >> <<

My nose hurts. I hate being sick.

I got over 50 pictures of me and my friends. In one school day. Imagine if class hadn't stopped me. I'd probably have over 100. ^^" That's just how I am.
6th-Apr-2009 06:02 pm - Ugh.. Update..ish.. Rant...ish..

My...it's been a while, yo. Since the eleventh of last month.

Well, I'm trying not to get my hopes up for tomorrow 'cause I know that if I do get my hopes up, my heart will be broken again... I'm probably getting ahead of myself... Lemme explain some things..

Okay, see, I'm dating Heather, but I still have the hugest crush on Justin. Yep, the guy that turned me down towards the beginning of the year, the one who caused my major breakdown in gym class. Yes, that Justin.

I got to talking to him at lunch - Hang on, lemme back up a bit..

I hugged Kevin and went, "Keevviinnn, I have issues.." He hugged me back before looking down at me, "What kind of issues..?" I rested my head on his chest for a second, "I'm dating someone who I really like, but I happen to have the biggest crush on someone else..."

That's when Neko looked at me and pulled me away from Kevin, "You got some 'splainin' to do, Yash.." I sighed before nodding, "Alright, alright.. You know how I'm happy with Heather?" She nodded. "Well...I've got a huge crush on someone else..." Neko looked interested, "Who??" "Okay, well, you see the guy in the green pants over there?" (It's hard to describe his pants, they were that material that rain just runs off of..that's the best description I can give..) I asked her, gesturing towards Justin, who wasn't too far away.

... Justin happened to catch me pointing, so I turned my pointing into a wave and he waved back. Once Neko was looking back at me, she gave a quietish squeal, "Omg, that was sooo cute!" I looked confused, "What was so cute??" "Nevermind that. So, that's him?" I nodded. "Alright, here's what you do. You get him alone - " "Alone? ..that's not exactly possible..I mean, look at the amount of people here.." "Like dese." "Like dese?" She nodded, "Like dese." She motioned to us and went "Like dese, but minus dat" She motioned to Kevin. I nodded and she continued. "Like dese. Like me and you. You ask him if he likes you." I looked at her, blinked a few times, and looked at her some more. "What are you, an idiot? I can't just ask him point blank!"

...It was then when Neko and Kevin shoved me towards him.. I came back the first two times, and fought the third time.. The fourth time, I finally gave up and tapped him on the shoulder, "Justin...can I talk to you..alone..?" He nodded, "Sure." So we walked about two feet from where he had been, we weren't too close to anyone that way. "I...uh..well...um... Can you help me with something?" I had chickened out. "Yeah, sure." "Well...see...I'm dating this one person, who I'm happy with...but there's this other person who I like more...and I've liked that guy longer..." It went on like that for a few minutes until he was like, "Is he in ROTC?" I glanced at the ground before looking up at him, "Yeah..." "What grade is he in?" "He's a Senior... But! That's all I'm saying 'cause I'm not mentioning names here." He gave a nod. "Well...what do you think I should do?" "If it were me..I'd just ask 'em 'cause I'm a point blank person." He said. "Yeah...well...I'm not..." I mumbled, looking away. "Well, just write him a note. Be like "Hey, dude, I like you. Do you like me? Yes or no?" and give it to him." I gave him a small smile, "Thanks, Justin." "No prob." Justin smiled back and gave me a hug before I walked away.

And, so, I wrote him that note in fifth and gave it to him after seventh on the way to my bus. I stopped him in the hall to hug him like normal and I was throwing a fit about something at the time 'cause of James..and it just so happened that I had been waving the note around. Justin was following the note with his eyes before we hugged and before I walked off, I held it out to him, "Here, take this.." He took it and me and James walked off before continuing to joke around.. I think he started reading it once he unfolded it, but I can't be sure 'cause I didn't stick around to find out...

I hope he likes me...I mean, it's close to the end of the year yeah..but...I've never had such a crush on anyone before..ya know..? And it just scares me that he's probably going to be deployed to Iraq sometime after graduation... I don't want him to go! If I could, I'd take his place to keep him here! That probably sounds...extreme...but, it's the truth.. I don't want him to go over seas 'cause he'll probably come back a changed man! And I don't want him to change... 'Cause I like him the way he is now. I probably sound so selfish..but..I can't help it! I'm usually selfless, I give up my happiness to others, I work hard to make my friends and family happy and keep them that way... I think it's time I'm selfish for once...
11th-Mar-2009 07:59 pm - Update on My Life.
This is for air, from SM. I told her - no, I promised her - that I'd write on here what happened at Momo's party and what happened today in seventh that pissed me off.

Momo's Party:
Well, when we(Me, Ollie, and Tabby) walked into the lobby at the Ramada Inn, and the person at the desk paged Momo's room, I pounced when I saw him. And Ollie pounced on both of us. After we got off of him, his girlfriend(or is it fiance?) pulled him away from us.

In his room, when we were eating the cake(it wasn't done in the center) that Kristen(his girlfriend/fiance) made, Tabby smeared some of the icing on my arm and shoulder and Ollie's shoulder. We managed to lick it all off, don't ask how, but we did. And then, I glanced at Ollie and smirked. She knew what I was thinking and took some of the icing from Tabby's piece of cake and smeared it on Momo's shoulder and arm. xDD Shouldda seen him trying to lick it off. Once he got most of it off, Ollie did it again and this time, Momo stalked off to the bathroom to wash it off.

In the pool room, me, Tabby, and Ollie were the last ones in the pool. And when all three of us got in the pool, the others migrated to the hot tub. When we went to the hot tub about half an hour later, they moved to the pool. It was starting to really piss me off. Same with Ollie.

Well, about an hour later, there was a game of chicken going on, right? Well, Momo had Kristen on his shoulders, and this girl(I forget her name DX) wanted me to get on her shoulders, but I declined 'cause I hate heights and can't swim, so Ollie did. Kristen ended up pulling Ollie's bikini top to the side and showed off her boob. So what'd Ollie do? She did the same. Kristen got all pissy and shit and said something to Momo, pointing at us.

Just keep in mind that she didn't like us to begin with.

Well, Momo didn't really talk to us, so when me and Ollie sat on the stairs in the pool, arms crossed over our chests, and this evil look on our faces, he actually got concerned. When that happened, Ollie looked at me and nodded. We had actually been talking about calling my mom to go home. We left the pool and the pool room to go to the lobby to call my mom. I called three times then with no answer each time.

When we went back in, we jumped into the hot tub where I almost started crying 'cause Momo was really starting to piss me off and upset me. Half an hour later, we tried again. And when Amanda(I think that was her name..) left to go to Momo's room 'cause he had bloodied her nose, Kristen and the other girl went with her. Me and Ollie rounded on Momo. "She hates us, yes?" Ollie asked him, venom in her voice. "No..." Momo said, uncertain. "She thinks we're flirting, right? Well we're not!" Ollie almost growled, pissed. "If she thinks that was flirting, I'll gladly show her flirting!" I exclaimed, pissed and Ollie nodded in agreement. "No..don't..." And then she walked back in.

At the end of his party, they were gonna go to the obseveritory I think, and Momo had asked us if we wanted to go. Kristen turned him around, shaking her head, "No!" And when we went to get our shoes from Momo's room, Ollie and Momo had been joking around right? "You wanna go?" Momo had asked her, joking. "You wanna go? Let's go!" Ollie smirked. Well, she ended up hitting him on the head lightly and shoving him back in his room, "Get in your room, Momo!" And Kristen apparently got all pissed and was like "Back the fuck off!"

That didn't sit well with me, but I left her alone and called my mom once more. My brother had answered and told us my mom was on the way to get us, so we went to grab our shoes. Before we did, I looked at Momo. "Want me to explain?" I didn't get an answer and it pissed me off. "Do you want me to explain?!" "Not right now..." he sounded kinda defeated, like he had been the one ignored by the person he liked. When I grabbed my shoes, I handed Ollie her's and Tabby stayed to get some more of the cake.

Walking down the hallway towards the lobby, I resisted the urge to throw my shoes to the ground and leave them. And I rushed out ahead of Ollie. Once outside, I threw my shoes down and my socks flew from them. They landed feet away from me and I collapsed on the bench, trying not to cry. Ollie came out a moment later and threw her shoes down, too. When she realised I was crying, she gather our things up and set them by the bench I was crying on. She went back to get Tabby and came back out alone. I walked up to her and was like "Do me a favour and tell Momo that he's a fucking douche bag!" And she did. When she had went in the first time, she had told Tabby that I was bawling out front. Apparently, Momo had got up to go talk to Abel outside of his room, but Kristen didn't know that and started bawling, thinking he was coming to check on me.

And the next day, after thinking things over, I decided that it'd be nice to apologise to Momo about upsetting his girlfriend/fiance. But, Monday, he wouldn't talk to me. Now, he's ignoring me.

Today:
Well, I ran into Justin on the way to third, and I was like "Justin!! Can you do me a favour?" "What?" Justin asked. "Help me with my stalker people!" I said, looking around, paranoid. "..stalker people?" Justin asked, confused. "Yeah! One's really, and I mean really, touchy-feely with me, and the other keeps moving my things on me and won't leave me alone!" I was at the end of my rope then. Little did I know, it'd get worse. "Who are they?" Justin asked, concerned. "CJ Black and Cody Sheppard." I answered. "Oh, I know them. Yeah, I'll help you out." Justin said before walking away. "Thank you!!" I called after him.

At lunch...it got worse and thankfully, Justin was near. I ran over to him and started poking him repeatedly. "Justin, Justin!" He turned around, "Yes Ashley?" "Can you help me?!" I was really starting to get upset. "What is it?" Justin asked. "It's one of the stalker people!" "Where?" I walked backwards some and once he was beside me, I gestured towards the corner near the stairs. "One of them is the guy with the wrist brace over there!" "Okay."

I thought he took care of him 'cause Cody didn't bother me for a while. Until towards the end of lunch. He kept hugging me, kissing my cheek, breathing on my neck. It was starting to piss me off and rattle me all at once.

Upstairs, on the way to fifth, I ran into Momo. "Momo! Can you do me a favour?!" I must've looked as rattled as I felt 'cause he stopped to talk to me. "What is it?" he asked. "Will you see Justin?" I asked. "Justin?" he prompted. "Armstrong." "I don't know, why?" "I need you to tell him to hurry!!" I exclaimed. "To hurry? Will he know what you mean by that?" Momo asked as he started off down the hall. "Yeah, he should. But if he doesn't, tell him it deals with my stalker people." I said, walking beside him. "Stalker people...?" "-_- Yes, stalker people."

And I don't think he saw Justin to tell him 'cause they still won't leave me alone! That brings me to what happened in seventh mod today that just pissed me off.

Seventh Mod:
Well, I had spent all but about ten minutes of class talking to Major about my problems with Momo and we roamed the halls. Major and this one Latin teacher want me to join AP Latin class next year, but I'm probably not going to until my Junior year.

We got back to class and I started writing a little of one of my fics in my green notebook.(The colour is important, you'll see why.) I then pulled out a loose sheet of paper that had mine and Heather's info for our debate in English class on it, and I showed it to Major, asking him if he knew anything he could add to it. He didn't. I went back to my desk, not even four feet away from where he was.

I started talking to David(Keener). "Hey, where's your backpack?" CJ asked me suddenly. I whirled around to look at my desk, which was missing my brown, over the shoulder, backpack. I turned to him. "Where did you put it?" I almost growled, my eyes narrowed. "What do you mean? I didn't touch it." CJ protested. I grabbed his hands which had moved to grab my hair. I glared at him. "Don't. Touch. Me!"  And I went to kick him where it hurts, but he blocked and I used one of my feet to step on his foot and hold it down. He managed to turn me around and pin my arms to my sides. I pulled my leg forward enough to get enough momentum that if I had kicked backwards, I would've caught him in the balls with enough force to throw him back some.

He wisely let go, and in the process, I noticed my backpack under Keener's chair. Now, Keener's not the type to move my stuff, but me and him'll play fight. And I knew that it had to have been CJ 'cause everyone else knows I can have anger issues. Well, when the bell rang and I got all my stuff together, I noticed something missing. My green notebook. And I think I know who took it.

But who the fuck would take my fucking notebook knowing that I have anger issues when it comes to my personal things?! What made it even worse was the fact that it contained the story that Heather loved. It wasn't in my backpack either. My friends at school better hope like hell that CJ doesn't have it, 'cause if he does, I'm going to get it from him and beat the living shit out of him. If I get suspended, I get suspended. Major will understand.

11th-Mar-2009 07:54 pm - Writer's Block: Passing Time
Day dreaming. Or writing stories. In class, I never ever pay attention 'cause I'm either day dreaming or writing a story. xDD Not that all my grades reflect it. Only two.

Never really been in a boring meeting. Only been in one. I wasn't there for the second one and the first one was amusing. xDD Never thought you'd hear that huh?
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